Sorry. I kind of hate that show now.  Remember when it wasn't so scary? 

So, first of all. Thank you! You're all wonderful especially considering how crap I've been at keeping in touch the last couple months.  I'm so lucky to have all of you as friends.

I have to say the summer ended with me feeling like I was stuck, inactive, in a rut.  Oddly enough, November might be the month that helps me turn that around.  

The election was awesome. I've never felt so young and optimistic and peaceful all at once. All the work and the wishing paid off, and it was beautiful.  I have pictures and I have video to pass on to my kids, but I know I'll never be able to fully convey what it felt like during and after. The fear and anxiety that something awful might happen seems so paranoid now but it felt so real for so long. I kept expecting it to all go wrong somehow.  And then walking down the middle of Michigan Avenue thanking police officers while we trotted towards buses and brunch.  That night made me feel like anything at all was possible.

I think it is partly that optimism that helped me to really start getting all of my stuff together. I put together an honest to God, not half-assed submission for something acting related and it's sort of big. I know it's not a big deal to every other actor and that most people have sent out hundreds if not thousands of submissions before, but it scares me a little. It's the whole self-sabotage thing. If I submit and they decide to audition me, then I really have to face judgment, good or bad. But I've done it--I submitted to the Chicago Shakespeare Theater.  I believe The Goodman and Lookingglass are next as far as big theatres and I'm submitting for random shows again.  Now I need monologues. Eek :)

Anyway, today has been pretty great. Everyone gave me baked goods, I didn't pay for lunch, and I am currently drinking a hot cider. Tonight I will eat Taco Bell, drink delicious cocktails, and play board games. 24 feels pretty great. I think it will only get better from here.

So here is my version of Nissa's list. ( Books, books, etc )

I know. i also feel like I did okay, but there are definitely some books on there I am ashamed I never finished or books I'm ashamed I haven't even started. I'm just fickle sometimes about what I'm in the mood to read. I'm getting better though. I have Catch-22 lined up for after I finish re-reading song of ice and fire.   Commuting is good for the volume of books I read.

Well, back to work I guess.

Yeah. So it's been a bit of a weird week.


First, my cousin Nick died of a heroin overdose last Tuesday night. I went to the funeral last Friday. I'm sorry I didn't tell you guys earlier, but as you know I'm not the best with the talking about things that bother me.

Nick Ulman was a sweet, if troubled kid who died, sadly, at the age of 26. He was found at the Valpo motel with a needle in his arm. I don't mean to dwell on the method of death. It's just, as much as he was a drug addict and had been having problems for several years, it still came as something of a shock.

One of my favorite memories of Nick is when I was 8 and visiting Valpo with my family. Nick found out I liked Wally Joyner (an Angels baseball player) and he gave me all the Wally Joyner cards he could find. Another memory is of the same visit and I couldn't sleep. I wandered into the living room and Nick was watching boxing on TV. He cut up several pieces of cheese and explained the finer points of boxing to me. Anyway, I know he had a lot of problems--dyslexia, ADD, a little ocd, as well as severe self-esteem issues. He'd been in and out of jail and maybe now he actually has a chance to rest. I don't know. Anyway, sorry about only telling you now.

I did have a good release Saturday night. I finally saw Ryan Adams live in concert. It was absolutely amazing. Now I know why everyone goes on and on about his shows. He's temperamental and a bit of a dick, but always entertaining and a phenomenal performer. He wails and his voice kind of soars a bit above the nonsense of the screaming crowds. It was certainly the best concert I've ever seen.

Annie's mom was here all weekend. She's really sweet and bought us tons of food, took us out to lunch, dinner, and breakfast as well as bought us a new coffee press. Also, she's just a really nice woman.

Ah, well, I'm going to go. I'm a little tired seeing as I've been having trouble getting to bed on time.

Also, Peter Petrelli got hot again. So long to emo hair.

Yeah, that's what my livejournal said to me when I opened it up today. I am resolved to pay more attention since so many of you are going abroad and I am awful at writing letters. So.

I, for whatever reason, am feeling compelled to write a script for a short film about, well, the answers we all gave to the question game that one fatefule bonfire-filled evening.

If your life were a biopic, what would the first scene be?

Thing is, I only remember a few of your answers. Some of you I've talked to and gotten the detailed answers from. For the rest of you, please, remind me of your answers. I don't know if it will ever be made but I have ideas about how to do.

Mostly it would involve the question getting asked at the bonfire and each story being shown in turn as each person answers. Each story will have a different style to it--one noir, one a kind of sam mendes look, another with a more art house feel to it, etc--along with different credits and opening music. I have directors whose styles I'm researching so that I can include certain elements in each. I have shots planned out in my head and everything, so I'm excited and, oddly enough, more driven creatively than I've been in a while. Anyway, that's my idea and if you can help me out, I'd really appreciate it. If the original answers were too personal, let me know that too.

That's it for now. I'm moving to Chicago on Saturday. I bought a mattress--I'm a little too excited about it. It's the first new mattress I've had that is actually mine since I was five. I get to buy a new bed on Sunday. Oh, Ikea. You bring me so much joy.

Eleanor died today. She had a case of diarrhea last week but it went away after 24 hours and she was her old self again. Then, I came home after running a couple hours of errands and she wasn't moving and she was barely breathing. We ran over to the vet but they said she was dead when she arrived.

It's weird not having her around and her death hit really hard. I got her at a time when I was feeling really lonely in my life and now she's just gone. She isn't there any more to act spoiled and bite my nose or be sweet and lick my fingers as I was scratching her. Every night I'd tell her I loved her and she'd kiss my nose or face and then she'd watch as I shut out the light and went upstairs. I miss that.

All of her things are gone now since we don't know what could have caused her to get sick and die in a matter of 3 or 4 hours.

So, to a friend who was always there no matter what and who gave me all the affection and love I could have asked for.

Aaaaah!

I still have not decided on headshot photos. I need your guys' help. Here's the link to the website: javascript:http://proofs.deltaquest.net/brianmcc/access.php?username=brianmcc&password=crou1218


I need to pick three. I think I want number 215 for the serious/dramatic picture. Then I need a full body shot with me smiling (doesn't have to show teeth but need personality--it has to capture who I am still). Then lastly I get another shot--I wanted to get one that was uber close up since those are pretty in-style for movies or TV work--the eyes are really important. You don't want to look zoned out or bored. I really like 145 or 304 since I think both of those are very flumpy-esque while still being sexy.

Please help me. You know how bad I am at decisions

Thanks!

Just saw another preview for tonight's episode of Grey's Anatomy. Was that her father slapping her?! Seriously?! Ah well, we'll see later tonight.

God, I am bad at livejournal. I need to get my chops back so I can communicate a little better. I found my missing rolls of film! Yeah! So, more Paris and London pictures to be developped. Eleanor is running around me at the moment, chewing on oh so many things. I occassionally chide her and she leaps into the air and scurries away.

Floundering a bit today. I'm faced with the prospect of going back to Bloomington this Saturday and I'll be partying with people I never really wanted to see again--with a few notable exceptions of course. That's not to say I didn't enjoy college, but Bloomington was simply always this place I never felt comfortable in. Unlike London or Valpo, I always felt the need to be impressive and thus always felt like I came up short. Not to mention theatre kids can just sometimes be a little much for me. I like the Annie Kerkian/Jonathan Cooper/Ross Matsuda/Honour Bayes type theatre people. So, I've already started planning outfits and hairstyles and jewelry because if I'm going back I have to look fabulous and sophisticated.

Everyone living in Chicago (aka Robyn), I would love to see you! Robyn I miss you and I just want to have all kinds of discussions.

I'm struggling with responsibility. Growing up sucks with the money problems and the choosing jobs thing. My grandparents (on my Dad's side) had a "discussion" with me where they first tried to tell me how to pursue my acting career, then tried to urge me to play it safe and go for writing for the news, and then tried to convince me to do pharmaceuticals. I know they are only worried, but seriously? I don't know how to say this other than watching my parents both end up in jobs they hate has really made me averse to settling down with any old well-paying job I can find.

And I'm a bit torn between really enjoying the weather outside and missing the Brit a bit today. It gets better with each day but every now and then I have moments of loneliness. I find the best remedy for this is usually mindless television or me throwing myself into my life's ambition. Of course, that really equals me getting a coffee from Starbucks and borrowing a few books from the library.

Sort of good news. I might start working at tony's here in town soon. Well, I had a good interview at least and she said she would recommend hiring me. It will be good money once I get the hang of it, though they will own my ass for a few months. No worries about July, I alreay warned them I would need a few days off at least--July 21 for Harry Potter, July 9th for Lindsay and July 13th for Brigitte. The good news is that the earliest I will ever work is 3p. And apparently you can earn as much as $500-700 per week if you keep at it.

I saw this on Nissa's page so I decided to participate. I promise to try to read more livejournal posts and actually comment. Miss you all. Speak with you soon!

Feeling better today, though extremely bored. Decided to throw myself more into acting than I have been lately so bought a book and started looking up headshot info as well as audition info for Chicago. Have a lot of time to myself today at work so ( here you go ) Hope you enjoy. I am now going to book a flight to Paris. Whee!

Immigration totally sucks. That's my stance. Argh. So, for those who I've not told, the immigration officers at both Heathrow and Gatwick have informed me that I will mostly likely (read: 99% sure) not be allowed to return for ANY period of time as a tourist and so my small visit to Valpo will now be much longer. I am hoping to come back in August for the Edinborough(sp? Seriously, lived here for how long and I'm still never sure I spell it correctly) festival since I have friends involved in it and it is just plain awesome or so I hear. So, now I have less than a month to spend with friends here and to do all the things I wanted to do before I left. The lake district appears to be an unlikely trip but I am definitely going to Paris for two days. I have to hand in my two weeks notice today. Uh, they aren't crazy about the idea but they knew it was a possibility so what can ya do?

The biggest disappointment right now is drama school. I got really excited about the prospect of going and now I can't even audition because I can't stay in the country and the US auditions have passed. I got a letter yesterday from Central "inviting" me to audition. It just sucks that I now have to call them and see if I can't reschedule for next year and change the term I am applying for.

Oh, well. I will be happy to see all of you at least! And to see my family. I'm just disappointed because I honestly just feel like I fit in here and I have completely made this city my own in a way I have never done with any other city before.

I am going to Portabello this weekend to buy some gifts. I have most of them. Heh heh. Still, if anyone wants something, let me know!

I will see you all on or around April 17th!

I needed to look at something like this today--something cute that makes me laugh. ?I'm trying hard to laugh more than cry right now cause I need to find a way to get through this weekend.


Keep in mind I'm telling you this without having told you the wonderful parts in between. I will try to post those things later on as I have a lot of unfinished entries I never got up. I just can't stand to read them right now.

Yeah, so James broke up with me last night. He has "committment issues." (Beware: I can't normally rant at him. I know I would lose my nerve and most of the time Io just start crying, so this is the only place I can rant) Okay, I understand that but Fuck off! Seriously? That's the reason? Everyone has fucking committment issues! What you are really saying is you can't committ to ME. Are you really going to tell me how Amazing I am and how its better now than later. Why is it they always just decide that? Why not let me decide what I think is best instead of making it sound like you are doing me a favour? I mean I realize it's a valid point that I would only get more attached and he didn't pull any of the David-esque things of "I'm not good enough for you" or the "we were never really dating anyway," but still! And why do I still feel the need to be around him, to be friends with him. I know it's a bad idea but I also know I won't be able to stop myself and I'm afraid I'll just be passive agressively mean which is what happens when I repress my rage at a situation.

Grrrrr. Damnit. I had that feeling, that feeling that is was coming, its just I never actually thought it would happen. I just figured I'd have longer. January was so fantastic and then February was blegh. I just hate this whole chest tightening, breaking feeling--like my chest has cracked open and I can't get enough air. I hate that Valentine's Day was so tender. And I hate that now Chrissy's birthday is on Friday which he won't be going to and Jon's party is on Saturday and I'm dreading that painful mix of sadness and joy at seeing him so soon. I know I will get drunk and then end up crying in the girl's bathroom and I hate that that's how I'll remember Jon's birthday.

Malcolm Reynolds is right. Fuck.

When I opened up livejournal today it offered to restore my last unfinished session and this is what came up:

"Uh, yeah, this is what happens when I mix listening to Anna Nalick and watching Grey's Anatomy.

I nearly got ran over twice today. Cherish me, I could be flattened against the front of a bus. CHERISH ME!

Sorry, I guess I'm in a weird and giddy mood, despite being a pirate sans eye patch.

I have a job! Okay, so I don't think most of you knew I was out of a job, but I finished my temps jobs at Harrods and was"

It was where I was going to let everyone know I have a great PA job that pays well and I was going to tell everyone how great Valentine's was. Oh, I just want to be home right now listening to sad chick music and eating taco bell. I'm going to buy a New Pornographers CD tonight to make me feel better. Anybody have any other suggestions for music?

Anyway, sorry to be such a drag and sorry if I'm always writing so sporadically and in such a bi-polar fashion.

I miss you all.

Really? Me? Awesome.

So, I'm watching Love Actually and thinking of all of you. I didn't really miss Valpo until this moment. Through everything I'd never really missed Valpo. I've missed all of you at different points, misses you terribly and wished to share all the fun I'm having but I never really missed Valpo until now. Lindsay, that event at the Cronkenhaus sounds awesome. It makes me think of Valpo Christmas. I got a little teary-eyed. Well, maybe it's the cold medication. The sniffles always makes me a little teary. I think I'll go enjoy some biscuits (aka cookies) and milk. I'll bring all of you back some Christmas crackers.

Much love from London.

Those are the symbols I constantly hit by accident on UK keyboards. They're so sneaky! You never expect UK keyboards to be different. Really, England, now you're just being ridiculous. And what about this wee little shift key? Hmm? Now think about what you've done.

I'm in a much better mood than I was earlier today. Yesterday I had two job interviews--one for a Harrods Christmas Grotto (Display) Greeter and one for an administrative/research position. The Grotto Greeter sounded like the most fun as I would get to sing christmas carols to a crowd of hundreds, tell stories to tons of kids, do the whole taking pictures of the kids on santa's lap, cashiering (with commission, weeeeee!) , and developing the pictures from santa's land (or father Christmas as he's called here. But then again they also spell "tires" as "tyres". Weirdos). Of course the administrative position pays more and I would get 10 days paid vacation. The problem being that they won't even get back to me about the SECOND interview until next week, where as Harrods wants me to start tomorrow. Yes, that's right, I've been hired at Harrods. Most likely, I'll be an elf. God knows if this position pays very well but we'll see. Yeah, money, I need you so much!

Still no place to live. Grrrrrrr. I think I might just pay an agency if it will make my life easier. There is one agency that only costs £59 for a flat fee and then they find whatever you want. That would be awesome and since I am looking for a very cheap flat, it's really not that bad a price. Some places cost £250. Maybe I'll just shell out the money. Everytime I see an ad in the paper for a really good, cheap, well situated studio, it is this agency's ad. Humph.

Oh, did I mention Chrissy and I are living alone. I couldn't remember if I'd mentioned that, but, yep, no Chrissy and Sara and I together. I'm fine with it considering Chrissy and I are getting on each other's last nerves. We both handle anger and frustration in such different ways that we have huge problems. I don't mind. In fact, I'm kind of looking forward to it---the flats are cheaper and in better locations and for once I can actually LIVE ON MY OWN.

I will say I miss certain things already. I miss taco bell. Don't make fun of me, its true. I miss cheap, greasy mexican food. Beer is much better over here, Kathryn. My father was right.

I saw a boy who works at BUNAC last night. There was a "pub meet" and we met a few boys. One boy--King--started talking to me and acting like he was interested. He's really cute, good looking, nerdy ( he makes his own jousting armour. It's a hobby for him. I'm serious.), but, and I hate to admit this, I am just not attracted to most Asians. Though he is from Toronto and for some reason I find Canadians to be appealing. It's all Brigitte's fault.
Anyway, this one guy I saw, his name is Garreth and he's the flatmate of one of the receptionists at BUNAC. He's like a very scruffy Jude Law type--more rugged but still pretty. Heh. And a little standoffish. No, stop, keep repeating, aloofness is not attractive, aloofness is not attractive. Aloofness can't be a real word but doesn't it look oddly fun?

No Judy Dench sitings yet, but a bit of fantastic news. Chrissy and I are planning on seeing Kevin Spacey in a play at the old Vic on my birthday. He's playing Jim in the Eugene O'Neil play "A Moon for the Misbegotten." So I have that to look forward to and giggle about.

I'll write more soon, I'm sure. Pester me if I don't and I'll let you know when I have access to Skype again.

Motivated? Me? Since when does that happen?

It's been all right the last couple of days. I landed at Gatwick and realized just how hard it would be for me to leave. Well, for now anyway. We went into London today, Chrissy and I, and we were exhausted--I only got about 4 hours of sleep and Chrissy got 0 hours so that was fun--but orientation, long as it was, was very helpful. We found several different postings for housing and jobs. I'm thinking of taking on a seasonal job at Harrod's or another department store as well as a more permanent job. Chrissy's talking about getting a second less well-paying job along with the first food servicve job and the seasonal work. I know she feels that all we need to do is scrape by but if I can make money while I'm here, that's what I would prefer.

I have to tell you that Cherry, Chrissy's Aunt, and her husband John are absolutely lovely. They're so wonderful and thoughtful. Well, they got us drunk on red wine the first night we were here. And Cherry bought us fish and chips for dinner tonight and both of them gave each of us somewhere between 3-5 pounds in coin. They are so wonderful and I love their house. It is a beautiful 300 year old cottage. I swear, if everything weren't so spread out here I would find a place to live in the country and just work here. But I'm young and want to find the pub and party scene.

I miss you all still. I wish you could all be here. Good night from Surrey.

It was a lot weirder than I thought it would be leaving the state I've called home for 10 years. That's a long time for me too--it's the longest I've lived anywhere. I don't know. I guess I was expecting to cry more. I have that weird delayed reaction kind of emotional response though. Very rarely do I show my emotions let alone become aware of them.

I drove through four states and have now arrived in New Jersey. It was about a 10 and a half hour drive. I KNOW. We switched off but by the end I was zoning and not really contributing much to the conversation. Chrissy's mom is incredibly sweet and so very thoughtful. She has tons of stories to tell about the famous Aunt Cherry with whom Chrissy and I will be staying.

I took the shift driving through most of Pennsylvania. I'm sure most of you know I lived in Pennsylvania for awhile. It was one of my favorites. It was so absolutely breathtaking. Somehow it seemed fitting that in the process of moving to london, I visit a place I've had such a strong desire to see again.

I'm scared. I miss my mom, brother, and my chinchilla. I miss my friends and I even miss the geo sometimes. Still, there is no profound sadness, no deep homesickness yet. I'm in limbo...in Jersey. How about that.